Haptic Storm

Well it's been a couple years since your death and I still think about you quite often.  I am sure your spirit is banging around out there among the mesquite and the joshua trees among the desert rocks and hawks, the temple, and its fires and crowds.  I feel your presence at times at home too.

I didn't get to say goodbye to you even though I loved you so much.  It was my own fault and I'm so sorry.  Toward the end of your life I have to admit you were hard to talk to on the phone and hard to visit in person...  Phone calls ended in me feeling bruised and down, and visits were "too smoky".  I regret letting this come between us. I could have dealt with the smoke long enough for a hug and a short chat, pregnant or not.  I could have brought by something you liked.  I could have done a number of things but I dwelt on our disagreements and kept busy with my own life.

When you died I felt really upset, but I also felt very disconnected from the other people who loved you.  You asked for "no funeral" but they did it anyway.  I didn't go.  It seemed to be in direct oppposition to your own wishes, and I felt weird about it.  Now I wish I'd gone. 

I'd have said how much I loved your voice and your laugh and your politics.  I'd have said how I felt when I was at circle thanks to you.  I'd have mentioned your dedication to the gift economy and how you would talk about anarchists as if you weren't one yourself...  You worked really hard to make sure there was no temple heirarchy.  You weren't perfect at it, but you really did acheive a decent degree of love and trust with most temple people.

I'd have hopefully felt some connection and closure, like I did get a chance to say goodbye and like I did get to feel the good energy of others around me who loved you too.  I mean there's a chance I wouldn't have felt these things and I'd be sitting here wishing I hadn't gone, but I kind of doubt that would have happened.  Either way, you will always be in my heart and I want you to know it.  I hope I can raise my children to feel the goddess-ness of the universe- I can't describe it any other way right now.  I love you for your love and spirit, rest in resistance, be at peace.

Anyway, I know you won't read this in the literal sense, but I hope your spirit will hear my intent in writing it...... 

http://www.sekhmettemple.com/Patriciapage.htm

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