Haptic Storm

I think people who are learning to be less human (that is, children/teens who are being taught how to live learn and love "within the system" aka "growing up") try on different ways of being.  Some of these manifest as laughing at others' suffering, or actively hurting others, or as escaping through drugs, alcohol, work, sex, etc.  The things I remember that always make me cringe with shame are those parts where I was trying on a particular way of disconnecting from others.  I remember an instance in particular where my brother and I were on the bus on the way to elementary school (he was 2 grades younger than me) and one kid was either getting teased or beat up or something bad was happening to him.  I remember clearly the difference between my brother's reaction and my own reaction.  I laughed.  Brother cried.  It is this kind of memory that really makes me feel like a bad person.  Here's two kids from the same family, same background, same amount of tv, etc., yet such a difference.  I think it was partly a difference in perspective- I was usually the one getting teased, so maybe I felt happy that for once someone else was getting picked on and I actually got the joke.  My brother was always well-liked by his classmates, so maybe he would view it differently?  I'm not sure.  I do know the system we live in, where caring for others is seen as a weakness, has to be taught to children from birth so that our humanness will not one day get in the way of our economic system.  Babies who get held too much are "spoiled", maternity leave is SIX [unpaid] WEEKS, we were actually taught to be racist- explicitly and without apologies, we do not recognize that slavery exists today in the US.  This is all humans learning to be less connected to each other in favor of our economic advantages.  I just hope the kid on the bus is ok and thinks I'm a jerk!

I try to teach my children to be connected to others but it is hard for *me* to be connected to others.  I want my children to grow up fully able to love oneself, others, and the universe we are in, but I struggle with it myself.  I hope to continue to learn how to do this with the help of my amazing beautiful partner.

As a mother, I always worry that while I may learn good things and good ways from other peoole and from books, there could be something missing inside me.  Some lack of real caring that will show through in a moment too quick to cover up my flaws.  Memories I have of totally uncaring reactions can sometimes add up in my mind and make me feel this way.  A moment too quick to plan for like a wreck or some disaster-  the instinct to save yourself overpowering the instinct to save another.

Anyway, I fell yesterday- OUCH.  I was holding my little one at the time.  So how did it go?  I was pleased to see that I caught myself on my elbow instead of my hand, thus protecting her from too bad of a fall.  She was scared, that's all.  My elbow still hurts pretty bad, but it's not serious.  But I'm still not convinced there isn't that uncaring bit inside me.  It could have been one of those things where you're holding something and you just don't have a chance to think about letting it go in the moment.  Like my first waterskiing experience (probably shared by many): the boat pulls you and you shakily press your skiis into the water, start feeling freaked out, then you fall but forget to let go of the rope even though you were warned to let go of the rope if you fall...  So there you are, being dragged behind a boat half drowning because it doesn't occur to you to let go of the rope.  It's possible this was the case yesterday as my shoe got swallowed by the blanket on the stairs (don't ask) and I tried to stop the fall with my other foot which was also getting swallowed...  Bang.

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